Tomorrow will make the 3 week mark after surgery. The doctors said it would be 2-3 weeks recouperation time. I knew my body well enough to know I would be in the 3 week group but you can't help but want it to be less! I have been extremely pampered by my family. They have shown me Jesus.
I am grateful for summertime, sunshine, my flowers outside, for good meals, all my cards and the pretty flowers I received.
I am grateful for pain medication and sleep, for my dear sweet little girls who have managed to keep house very well.
I have a grateful heart for cell phones, cordless phones and answering machines!
I am grateful for a recliner to rest in during a restless night and for my husband to sleep next to (expecially when having a nightmare one night!)
I am grateful for being able to pray for others and getting my eyes off myself, for laptops and access to university medical journals to research my next step. I am grateful for all the dear friends who have sent us things about nutrionals, and for God's Holy Word that help keep all the researching in balance.
I am grateful for all my family and friends and all they have done for me. If I were to write all the many things they have done, I would be afraid my brain would forget something because there has been so much!!
I am learning not to waste my tests! My God is in control of all. I can trust Him with my life. I can hardly believe it was 30 years ago in June that God changed my life around. I had been on a search for truth and looked for all different things to fill the emptiness that was in my soul. I didn't understand what I was looking for. I started reading the Bible and as a Christian artist of long ago sang, "I Met Joy By Surprise". Even reading the Bible came about in a strange way. Some friends (Coleen and Jane) and I rented a house from a Jewish woman. Coleen and her boyfriend Bob and I used to have lots of conversations about God and what was truth. I don't think we knew what we were talking about! Somewhere along the way another friend started asking me some questions and directed me to read John 3. I'm not sure how I found a Bible in that Jewish woman's house but I did. I read John 3 and wondered along with Nicodemus how a person could be born a second time? I told the Lord that night, I wasn't sure what that was and something to the effect of wanting whatever it was. I really don't remember exactly because I didn't look at this as a pivotal part of my life. But God knew my heart better than I did and He started to reveal Himself to me as I read the Bible. The verse I call my life verse is from Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." I remember that verse often, but it has come back to me now with a special fondness. God is in control of my life and always has been. So now, thirty years after finding that verse, I find God placed it in my heart for a special reason. He is telling me even now that He will continue the good work He began. I am amazed as I think of how He knows the tests that we will walk through and prepares us for them. I don't want to waste this test; this trial that has come to me. I wonder if those of you who read this blog have placed your faith in Christ? Perhaps my trial can become a springboard for you to ask yourself some questions. Do you wonder as I did about God? It's not just when you hear the word "Cancer" that you should stop and consider what this life is all about. We will not live forever but we often live as though we will. It has made me stop and think. May each of you know the love of God which is found only in Jesus Christ our Savior.
My prayers this week are that I will know the direction I am to take. I do not meet with the oncologist until August 11th. I have an idea already of what he will say. My sister who is a nurse and has given all my reports to the breast center at her hospital says they recommend 5 years of Tamoxifen and borderline for chemo. I have been researching Tamoxifen through medical journals and talking to women who have had breast cancer. I am researching nutritionals and how that fits into this picture. I am asking God to direct my path and committing it all to Him. God is my Creator and He knows what makes my body function. As I research I pray that God would reveal to me what I need to know and to help me understand what are His "secret things" that I may learn what He wants to show me and trust in the shadow of his wings for what belongs only to Him.
"The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law. Deuteronomy 29:29
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
When You Care Enough To Send The Very Best
Once my family and friends knew what we were going through, the cards started coming. David has always teased that my mom must have stock in the Hallmark company for all the cards we get. We have never been big card givers ourselves and often felt bad that we had not sent cards to loved ones for their birthdays. Now we were learning something new. We had never had such a life altering crisis in our lives. Cards became a vehicle that God used to shower His love through others on us. We looked forward to "mail time". Did you know you can even send more than one card to a person??! People did! They did it to remind me that they were still praying, still caring, still with us in crisis. How precious! I hope I can remember this wonderful expression of love and give it to others. We are never to old to learn!
Our annual Sunday School Father's Day weekend was upon us. My husband and children did all the packing and organizing as I was a bit distracted. We decided to try to have a "normal" Friday evening and Saturday with our class and not tell them till Sunday. We wanted the kids to have a good time and some time to ourselves to think and pray. The word had not spread to this dear group of friends yet and we were thankful. I loved Friday night. Suzanne and Christy, two moms from our class, came to our campsite. They don't know how God used them. They have younger children than most of mine and were talking about problems with children. You know the kind; ones that pop up and you have to deal with it. You are not sure how and sometimes bouncing it off other moms can help with answers but also just bring relief to talk about it. It was so "normal". Normal felt good. I emersed myself in conversation as we discussed and laughed about things. Every once in a while, I'd shudder as I thought how "unnormal" my life had recently become. But mostly, I laughed and listened and had a wonderful time. So wonderful in fact that when I was serving a fruit coctail for dessert, my appetite returned. Not full force, but I realized I was sitting and eating the salad!! Laughter is a good medicine, so is taking your eyes off of self!
We shared our news with our SS teachers first and they thought it was interesting that our topic that morning was on the storms of life taken from Mark 4. It was a "God thing". People shared their storms and our teacher shared mine for us. Our class surrounded me and prayed for us. They have blessed us with prayer, encouragement , cards, food and care. (A week later our teacher's mom in Wisconsin sent me a letter with an encouragement and scripture that confirmed God's direction we felt He had just given to us that particular day.)
A few days after our Bible study on Mark 4, Mrs. Smith called. I have known Mrs. Smith most of my life. Our families grew up together. Her daughter and I had been best friends growing up. God has used Mrs. Smith in my life before in some very special ways. We talked and she shared a Bible study she and my mom had gone to that week. It was on...Mark 4. Maybe I'm a little slow on the uptake, so God gives it to me twice!! It had my attention, so I started reading this portion of Scripture. Did you know in verse 36 that there were other little boats that went out when the disciples set out. They were in the storm too! I had never seen that before. Our attention is drawn in the story to the disciples and this one particular boat. But there were other boats having a crisis too. I thought about my husband, my children, my extended family and friends. This storm was affecting them too! It was good perspective for me. When Jesus said, "Peace, be still", they also received the benefit of His mighty power! God was at work in many more people's lives than just mine--oh to have an eternal perspective on this earthly life.
We decided to go with the masectomy. But how would we know then if God had chosen to heal me? They would not be looking for the tumor. We had prayer again at church with just our pastor and deacons. Then we requested another ultrasound to discover what God had intended to do in this situation. Okay, I told you we'd talk about Tina. Do you have a friend that God has put in your life that is special. Tina is like this. We have known each other for years through homeschooling. We don't attend the same church but we have the same God! Our families just click. David and Randy get along well. Our daughter Jess and their daughter are best friends. Their oldest son works for my husband as an electrician. Tina is like a sister to me. She has been there for us in lots of health crisis'. I have 4 wonderful sisters but I live so far from them that it is not practical for them to be here or me to be there. Tina has known me like a sister. She has seen me looking my worst and rambling on when coming out of surgery. She has just "been there". She came with me for the recheck ultrsound which turned into a mamogram instead. In the waiting room she and I were sharing scriptures and had a Bible opened. An older woman came in for her appointment to be rechecked for some suspicious spots. She came over and started sharing all these wonderful times that God had miraculously healed her mother and then her. Even though she had great healing previously, she was worried about this recheck. Tina and I were grinning. Was God setting something up here? It seemed so strange that this woman would approach us and build such confidence in us as she recalled God's mighty power. But we sensed her concern this time and asked her if we could pray for her. We did and then they called me in. What would you think? I was truly feeling trust at this point. I thought I was and it was confirmed to me as the doctor came in and told me where the titanium marker they had put in during biopsy was in relation to the tumor. It was located right at the edge of the tumor. Yes, the tumor was still there and so was God's wonderful grace. He buffered me. He is my Rock and my Fortress. I find safety and shelter in Him. I felt no sadness, actually I felt no difference. I knew that was grace. I was going to have to go through surgery and whatever was on the other side of that. But I was not moved by it. God had chosen to not "deliver" this time but instead to "take me through". I had peace with God. He is very good. I am my beloved and He is mine. His banner over me is love.
The surgery was scheduled for July 3rd. I was to arrive early at the hospital to have a special dye injected that would "light up" the sentinal node. This is the node that the damaged duct drains to. During surgery they would take the sentinal node and do a biopsy. If that node was clean of cancer, then they would just remove the breast. If it was not clean, more lymph nodes would be taken. They ended up taking 5 lymph nodes but they all came back clear!! How wonderful for my family and friends in the waiting room to hear! The final pathology would take a few more days to confirm this. Praise God!
Our annual Sunday School Father's Day weekend was upon us. My husband and children did all the packing and organizing as I was a bit distracted. We decided to try to have a "normal" Friday evening and Saturday with our class and not tell them till Sunday. We wanted the kids to have a good time and some time to ourselves to think and pray. The word had not spread to this dear group of friends yet and we were thankful. I loved Friday night. Suzanne and Christy, two moms from our class, came to our campsite. They don't know how God used them. They have younger children than most of mine and were talking about problems with children. You know the kind; ones that pop up and you have to deal with it. You are not sure how and sometimes bouncing it off other moms can help with answers but also just bring relief to talk about it. It was so "normal". Normal felt good. I emersed myself in conversation as we discussed and laughed about things. Every once in a while, I'd shudder as I thought how "unnormal" my life had recently become. But mostly, I laughed and listened and had a wonderful time. So wonderful in fact that when I was serving a fruit coctail for dessert, my appetite returned. Not full force, but I realized I was sitting and eating the salad!! Laughter is a good medicine, so is taking your eyes off of self!
We shared our news with our SS teachers first and they thought it was interesting that our topic that morning was on the storms of life taken from Mark 4. It was a "God thing". People shared their storms and our teacher shared mine for us. Our class surrounded me and prayed for us. They have blessed us with prayer, encouragement , cards, food and care. (A week later our teacher's mom in Wisconsin sent me a letter with an encouragement and scripture that confirmed God's direction we felt He had just given to us that particular day.)
A few days after our Bible study on Mark 4, Mrs. Smith called. I have known Mrs. Smith most of my life. Our families grew up together. Her daughter and I had been best friends growing up. God has used Mrs. Smith in my life before in some very special ways. We talked and she shared a Bible study she and my mom had gone to that week. It was on...Mark 4. Maybe I'm a little slow on the uptake, so God gives it to me twice!! It had my attention, so I started reading this portion of Scripture. Did you know in verse 36 that there were other little boats that went out when the disciples set out. They were in the storm too! I had never seen that before. Our attention is drawn in the story to the disciples and this one particular boat. But there were other boats having a crisis too. I thought about my husband, my children, my extended family and friends. This storm was affecting them too! It was good perspective for me. When Jesus said, "Peace, be still", they also received the benefit of His mighty power! God was at work in many more people's lives than just mine--oh to have an eternal perspective on this earthly life.
We decided to go with the masectomy. But how would we know then if God had chosen to heal me? They would not be looking for the tumor. We had prayer again at church with just our pastor and deacons. Then we requested another ultrasound to discover what God had intended to do in this situation. Okay, I told you we'd talk about Tina. Do you have a friend that God has put in your life that is special. Tina is like this. We have known each other for years through homeschooling. We don't attend the same church but we have the same God! Our families just click. David and Randy get along well. Our daughter Jess and their daughter are best friends. Their oldest son works for my husband as an electrician. Tina is like a sister to me. She has been there for us in lots of health crisis'. I have 4 wonderful sisters but I live so far from them that it is not practical for them to be here or me to be there. Tina has known me like a sister. She has seen me looking my worst and rambling on when coming out of surgery. She has just "been there". She came with me for the recheck ultrsound which turned into a mamogram instead. In the waiting room she and I were sharing scriptures and had a Bible opened. An older woman came in for her appointment to be rechecked for some suspicious spots. She came over and started sharing all these wonderful times that God had miraculously healed her mother and then her. Even though she had great healing previously, she was worried about this recheck. Tina and I were grinning. Was God setting something up here? It seemed so strange that this woman would approach us and build such confidence in us as she recalled God's mighty power. But we sensed her concern this time and asked her if we could pray for her. We did and then they called me in. What would you think? I was truly feeling trust at this point. I thought I was and it was confirmed to me as the doctor came in and told me where the titanium marker they had put in during biopsy was in relation to the tumor. It was located right at the edge of the tumor. Yes, the tumor was still there and so was God's wonderful grace. He buffered me. He is my Rock and my Fortress. I find safety and shelter in Him. I felt no sadness, actually I felt no difference. I knew that was grace. I was going to have to go through surgery and whatever was on the other side of that. But I was not moved by it. God had chosen to not "deliver" this time but instead to "take me through". I had peace with God. He is very good. I am my beloved and He is mine. His banner over me is love.
The surgery was scheduled for July 3rd. I was to arrive early at the hospital to have a special dye injected that would "light up" the sentinal node. This is the node that the damaged duct drains to. During surgery they would take the sentinal node and do a biopsy. If that node was clean of cancer, then they would just remove the breast. If it was not clean, more lymph nodes would be taken. They ended up taking 5 lymph nodes but they all came back clear!! How wonderful for my family and friends in the waiting room to hear! The final pathology would take a few more days to confirm this. Praise God!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
The Day After
The news was settling in but I still knew so little about it. I knew I first needed a peace with God before I could do any research on my condition.
David was wonderful and supportive. We fell in love many years ago by being prayer partners. I thank God for that bond that has stuck all these years. We prayed and gave it all to God and asked for healing first and for guidance.
My dear friend Val, who I meet at the park to walk in the mornings is one of the ones God chose to help me sort things out. Her listening ear and wise questions were invaluable to me. I'll never forget the park bench where we sat and she prayed for me. How blessed I am.
The next day I went to breastcancer.com and found descriptions of the terms on my report. Here is an excerpt from my letter to Val:
"Just to give a little update. I knew the surgeon's office was supposed to call me, but after checking some information on the Web regarding my diagnosis, I decided to call the surgeon's office myself. I was upset because of a certain word in my diagnosis--invasive. Not a big word, but it is packed with meaning. A better diagnosis would have read "in situ". That would have meant it was contained in the duct. Invasive means it has left the duct and is in surrounding tissue. Thankfully, the office was able to get me in tomorrow at 10:15. The surgeon will be able to explain far more to us. I am a bit more "shook up" but still making choices to be at rest."
David and I have some incredible friends. We do not have family nearby but felt we needed some extra ears while at the surgeon's office. So accompanied by our friend Michele who is a nurse and our friend Tina (who will be talked about later!) we spoke with the surgeon. There was so much information to understand at a time when you don't really want to hear it. But we did like the surgeon and he spent plenty of time and then some answering our questions. My options were lumpectomy with 4-6 weeks of radiation or masectomy with probable chemotherapy. My initial report did not show any lymph involvement but the surgery would have to take place for that to be conclusive. We told them we could not make an appointment yet. We needed time to pray and think. The scheduling nurse passed a binder to me and I shuddered. It read "Oncology Resourse Manual". I did not want to touch it! I didn't want any part of it. It was like taking that book was accepting the cancer and that was hard. I took it home and put it away.
More prayer, reading my Bible, searching to find the answers from my God who has never failed me. I knew I could trust Him. I knew He was good. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. This life changes but He never changes.
People's bodies handle stress differently. Some would say I'm lucky because when I am stressed, I lose my appetite. So that's what went for me but I knew I needed to force myself to eat. Years ago, I battled hypoglycemia. I had asked for prayer according to James 5:14-15 at the church we went to. The pastor and deacons prayed for me. It was a simple, humble prayer asking God to heal. I felt nothing, nor did anyone else but the next morning it was gone. It had been so bad that by the time I woke in the morning, my blood sugar had crashed and David would have to make me and egg and toast or something before I could get up. And just like that, it was gone! I have known God's healing power and I have had other times when I have not been instantly healed. So I knew I could ask in confidence for my Savior to heal me. So after my morning walk, I called my pastor who was on the way home and asked if I could come by for prayer. He and his wife prayed and we asked God for healing. How comforting to know the Word of God and to know that God is our Healer.
I love my family. I have wonderful parents and 8 wonderful siblings. I am very grateful for them. I have a sister who works at a cancer research hospital. I called her and she had me send my report. Their breast center gave the same recommendation. My sister was glad for the early detection and her confidence and expertise helped me tremendously. But I had one hard hoop to jump through. I love my parents dearly and wished that I could be there to tell them and to let them see I was okay. I could see God's hand in this. The Lord was showing me wonderful things through the Bible and also through our extended group of friends. People were sharing, praying for all of us and I could sense God's pleasure in how we were handling ourselves through this trial. But my parents didn't know and I knew it could be difficult for them if they did not see me. So I had an idea and my nurse sister agreed. Some of the family would be at another sister's house on Father's Day. This sister is the one who lives close and does so much already for our parents. Together they would be my voice and body. They could assure my parents that I was okay. I prayed so hard that day for my parents and sisters. I wanted so much to not have it be a burden to them. My sisters "did me good"! My mom called later and I felt so relieved that she could hear that I had a peace from God. Family is God's design. Thanks my dear sisters. Enough for tonight!
David was wonderful and supportive. We fell in love many years ago by being prayer partners. I thank God for that bond that has stuck all these years. We prayed and gave it all to God and asked for healing first and for guidance.
My dear friend Val, who I meet at the park to walk in the mornings is one of the ones God chose to help me sort things out. Her listening ear and wise questions were invaluable to me. I'll never forget the park bench where we sat and she prayed for me. How blessed I am.
The next day I went to breastcancer.com and found descriptions of the terms on my report. Here is an excerpt from my letter to Val:
"Just to give a little update. I knew the surgeon's office was supposed to call me, but after checking some information on the Web regarding my diagnosis, I decided to call the surgeon's office myself. I was upset because of a certain word in my diagnosis--invasive. Not a big word, but it is packed with meaning. A better diagnosis would have read "in situ". That would have meant it was contained in the duct. Invasive means it has left the duct and is in surrounding tissue. Thankfully, the office was able to get me in tomorrow at 10:15. The surgeon will be able to explain far more to us. I am a bit more "shook up" but still making choices to be at rest."
David and I have some incredible friends. We do not have family nearby but felt we needed some extra ears while at the surgeon's office. So accompanied by our friend Michele who is a nurse and our friend Tina (who will be talked about later!) we spoke with the surgeon. There was so much information to understand at a time when you don't really want to hear it. But we did like the surgeon and he spent plenty of time and then some answering our questions. My options were lumpectomy with 4-6 weeks of radiation or masectomy with probable chemotherapy. My initial report did not show any lymph involvement but the surgery would have to take place for that to be conclusive. We told them we could not make an appointment yet. We needed time to pray and think. The scheduling nurse passed a binder to me and I shuddered. It read "Oncology Resourse Manual". I did not want to touch it! I didn't want any part of it. It was like taking that book was accepting the cancer and that was hard. I took it home and put it away.
More prayer, reading my Bible, searching to find the answers from my God who has never failed me. I knew I could trust Him. I knew He was good. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. This life changes but He never changes.
People's bodies handle stress differently. Some would say I'm lucky because when I am stressed, I lose my appetite. So that's what went for me but I knew I needed to force myself to eat. Years ago, I battled hypoglycemia. I had asked for prayer according to James 5:14-15 at the church we went to. The pastor and deacons prayed for me. It was a simple, humble prayer asking God to heal. I felt nothing, nor did anyone else but the next morning it was gone. It had been so bad that by the time I woke in the morning, my blood sugar had crashed and David would have to make me and egg and toast or something before I could get up. And just like that, it was gone! I have known God's healing power and I have had other times when I have not been instantly healed. So I knew I could ask in confidence for my Savior to heal me. So after my morning walk, I called my pastor who was on the way home and asked if I could come by for prayer. He and his wife prayed and we asked God for healing. How comforting to know the Word of God and to know that God is our Healer.
I love my family. I have wonderful parents and 8 wonderful siblings. I am very grateful for them. I have a sister who works at a cancer research hospital. I called her and she had me send my report. Their breast center gave the same recommendation. My sister was glad for the early detection and her confidence and expertise helped me tremendously. But I had one hard hoop to jump through. I love my parents dearly and wished that I could be there to tell them and to let them see I was okay. I could see God's hand in this. The Lord was showing me wonderful things through the Bible and also through our extended group of friends. People were sharing, praying for all of us and I could sense God's pleasure in how we were handling ourselves through this trial. But my parents didn't know and I knew it could be difficult for them if they did not see me. So I had an idea and my nurse sister agreed. Some of the family would be at another sister's house on Father's Day. This sister is the one who lives close and does so much already for our parents. Together they would be my voice and body. They could assure my parents that I was okay. I prayed so hard that day for my parents and sisters. I wanted so much to not have it be a burden to them. My sisters "did me good"! My mom called later and I felt so relieved that she could hear that I had a peace from God. Family is God's design. Thanks my dear sisters. Enough for tonight!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
More Of The Story
The girls were worried when I came out of the office and wanted to know what took so long. They knew I had the biopsy so I told them I was going to have surgery because of the results.
Kids are so sweet! They wanted to know if it would cost Daddy a lot of money. I told them we would have to pay a lot but we had insurance that would help with a big part of it. We were going to the store for groceries and some new sneakers for Joanna. Joanna said,"Don't worry about the sneakers Mom, I can keep the ones I have." (She had grown 2 sizes!!) Jerusha had outgrown her Sunday shoes and was not quite into Joanna's. She piped in with, "Mom, I can just wear Joanna's until I fit into them!" It touched my heart.
It was a busy day. We had a school project we were finishing with another family and had reserved a room at the library to work on it. How do I act "normal" when I feel like my life just changed? Still many hours to go as my friend Kim and I were going to a homeschool used curriculum sale after the library. Our husbands were meeting us at the library to pick up kids and it was there in the parking lot of the library that I told my sweetie.
That evening had a surreal feel to it. Seeing lots of fellow homeschoolers, smiling at them and saying, "I'm fine" to the friendly conversation question. I kept thinking, "Do you know I'm not fine? I want to forget this day. And then I wondered how many other people were not fine and maybe felt like crying.
My God is my Shelter from storms. God had been preparing me for this. A few weeks before I had purchased a small book titled "Let Go" by Fenelon. I couldn't get past the first few pages. They were so good and I wanted to keep reading it. "So we must learn to bear all sufferings with composure, even those which come upon us through no fault of our own." And then, "A cross which comes from God ought to be welcomed without any concern for self. And when you accept your cross this way, even though it is painful, you will find that you can bear it in peace."
"Be still my soul:
The Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to Thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Thro' thorny ways leads to a joyful end."
Be still, my soul:
Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:
The waves and wind still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
author-Katharina von Schlegel 1600's
Kids are so sweet! They wanted to know if it would cost Daddy a lot of money. I told them we would have to pay a lot but we had insurance that would help with a big part of it. We were going to the store for groceries and some new sneakers for Joanna. Joanna said,"Don't worry about the sneakers Mom, I can keep the ones I have." (She had grown 2 sizes!!) Jerusha had outgrown her Sunday shoes and was not quite into Joanna's. She piped in with, "Mom, I can just wear Joanna's until I fit into them!" It touched my heart.
It was a busy day. We had a school project we were finishing with another family and had reserved a room at the library to work on it. How do I act "normal" when I feel like my life just changed? Still many hours to go as my friend Kim and I were going to a homeschool used curriculum sale after the library. Our husbands were meeting us at the library to pick up kids and it was there in the parking lot of the library that I told my sweetie.
That evening had a surreal feel to it. Seeing lots of fellow homeschoolers, smiling at them and saying, "I'm fine" to the friendly conversation question. I kept thinking, "Do you know I'm not fine? I want to forget this day. And then I wondered how many other people were not fine and maybe felt like crying.
My God is my Shelter from storms. God had been preparing me for this. A few weeks before I had purchased a small book titled "Let Go" by Fenelon. I couldn't get past the first few pages. They were so good and I wanted to keep reading it. "So we must learn to bear all sufferings with composure, even those which come upon us through no fault of our own." And then, "A cross which comes from God ought to be welcomed without any concern for self. And when you accept your cross this way, even though it is painful, you will find that you can bear it in peace."
"Be still my soul:
The Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to Thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Thro' thorny ways leads to a joyful end."
Be still, my soul:
Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:
The waves and wind still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
author-Katharina von Schlegel 1600's
Monday, July 17, 2006
How it all began!
I'd like to say my journey began on May 24,2006, the day I went for my yearly mamogram. In all true reality, it began long before that. You see I have long delighted in Psalm 139. In verse 16 it states:" Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them." God himself fashioned me and had a purpose for me even before my parents knew about me! How comforting God's words are to me.
So I had the normal test and was called back in early June for higher powered xrays and an ultrasound. I was not worried as I had been called back before and it turned out to be nothing. I was not even concerned when they called me back for a biopsy. I felt like I was following protocol. I really was more nervous about the needle for the biopsy!! The doctor who did the biopsy said it would be 2-3 days and the report would go to my doctor.
The next morning I took Joanna (11) to our doctor for a case of laryingitis she had for two weeks. I had not even thought to ask him about my report since I knew it would be 2-3 days. He checked her out and then asked if the girls had some books to read with them. He sort of got behind them and motioned for me to send them out. I take a hint pretty well, so I sent them to the waiting room!! I fully expected him to say her problem could be something more serious since he had never done this before. I was concerned and became even more so when he sat down and shook his head. You have to know our doctor. If you did, you probably would be going to him. He is caring, one who listens to get the whole picture and on top of that he's fun!! He was acting out of character and it made me nervous. I think I really am blurry now about how he actually told me. But I am quite clear on my reaction! Never in a million years would I have pictured myself doing this!! I stuck my fingers in my ears and said, "La, La, La, I can't hear you." I really did!! (Did I tell you I am 53 years old!) It was not long for tears to set in though as I saw "invasive ductal carcinoma". I did not know what it all meant, except for carcinoma. I never wanted to know anything about cancer. To me, it was mean, big and scary. I will always remember that day-June 13, 2006. My doctor and a dear woman Shirley who worked there gave me some time to regroup. Shirley had been through this and she came in and held my hand and encouraged me and reminded me that the Lord would help me through this. I then had to go out and see my two sweet little girls. David was working quite a distance away that day and I could not call him with this news. I knew it would be best to wait. As we drove to the store, a poem I had read and started to memorize several months before came back to me.
Father, I know that all my life
Is portioned out for me,
And the changes that are sure to come,
I do not fear to see;
But I ask Thee for a present mind
Intent on pleasing Thee.
There is a lot more to the poem but that was all I could remember and all I needed for that moment.
So I had the normal test and was called back in early June for higher powered xrays and an ultrasound. I was not worried as I had been called back before and it turned out to be nothing. I was not even concerned when they called me back for a biopsy. I felt like I was following protocol. I really was more nervous about the needle for the biopsy!! The doctor who did the biopsy said it would be 2-3 days and the report would go to my doctor.
The next morning I took Joanna (11) to our doctor for a case of laryingitis she had for two weeks. I had not even thought to ask him about my report since I knew it would be 2-3 days. He checked her out and then asked if the girls had some books to read with them. He sort of got behind them and motioned for me to send them out. I take a hint pretty well, so I sent them to the waiting room!! I fully expected him to say her problem could be something more serious since he had never done this before. I was concerned and became even more so when he sat down and shook his head. You have to know our doctor. If you did, you probably would be going to him. He is caring, one who listens to get the whole picture and on top of that he's fun!! He was acting out of character and it made me nervous. I think I really am blurry now about how he actually told me. But I am quite clear on my reaction! Never in a million years would I have pictured myself doing this!! I stuck my fingers in my ears and said, "La, La, La, I can't hear you." I really did!! (Did I tell you I am 53 years old!) It was not long for tears to set in though as I saw "invasive ductal carcinoma". I did not know what it all meant, except for carcinoma. I never wanted to know anything about cancer. To me, it was mean, big and scary. I will always remember that day-June 13, 2006. My doctor and a dear woman Shirley who worked there gave me some time to regroup. Shirley had been through this and she came in and held my hand and encouraged me and reminded me that the Lord would help me through this. I then had to go out and see my two sweet little girls. David was working quite a distance away that day and I could not call him with this news. I knew it would be best to wait. As we drove to the store, a poem I had read and started to memorize several months before came back to me.
Father, I know that all my life
Is portioned out for me,
And the changes that are sure to come,
I do not fear to see;
But I ask Thee for a present mind
Intent on pleasing Thee.
There is a lot more to the poem but that was all I could remember and all I needed for that moment.
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